For years I have longed for fame, the glamour of the spotlight as one of the world’s great inspirational speakers. Such identification has been instrumental to my major goal, my vision, my purpose, and my mission. And I have reinforced this over and over and over. I have to be honest. I still long to be this. My motive’s are mixed, the glamour as already mentioned, and the desire to be really effective in the world as an instrument of the Higher Self; that part of us which lies within; the God part of us which impels gently but unrelentingly once we have reached a certain willingness to undertake the personal change to ‘egolessness.’
But the ego has hung on, dogging me, providing reasons as to why I should do this, why I should not do that. ‘You should be a professional speaker.’ ‘You should tour the world and win great acclaim.’ ‘You should become a multi-millionaire.’ ‘You should gain kudos by giving away enormous amounts from an even more enormous fortune.’
I know that peace-of-mind, love and joy lie within, and that a sense of God-given purpose and that the ability to carry out that purpose are far more gratifying, still the ego wants its way. Even this essay has some ego base to it; a seeking of approval from Higher Self- and from any reader who might chance to read it.
The very famous contemporary writer and speaker, Dr Wayne W Dyer (a man I admire enormously and would love to emulate) says in his book, The Sacred Self, that in order to serve our Sacred Self (I call it the Higher Self) we have to:
‘Be willing. Keep in mind our job is just not to interfere. Relax about the future, let it go. And to toss out our goals and live our lives knowing that we a co-creating it.’
Consciously, I am now ‘willing.’ But I know parts of ego self still hanker after the glamour, fame, wealth, power and influence, specialness and importance. Ego still has a lot of strength. Though it is being weakened. Yes, and ego doesn’t like it one little bit. But to reiterate, consciously, I am now willing.
‘My job is not to interfere.’
Oh, how I have interfered. Despite numerous explanations that have made it clear I need do nothing, I have interfered. Indeed, even this essay is a sort of interference. Higher Self has indeed been, and continues to be, very patient with me.
‘Relax about the future.’
This is something I still can’t quite do. I see my mortal body as a clock ticking away and want to ‘get to’ before any more time has elapsed. In a twelve to twelve clock scenario I see myself around ten p.m. already.
‘Toss out goals and live your life knowing you a co-creating it.’
How can I toss out goals?
Well, I have done so, to some degree. I had a Life-script, and a Life-plan, and specific goals, and so much more all written out. Indeed, I had worked through and actually achieved many goals, some minor, others of so-called greater importance (But of little importance really, as far as my immortal soul is concerned) But at least I had a sense of progress.
But in the ‘big one’ -to become a famous, international professional public speaker ‘Inner Direction’ (Higher Self?) kept saying “No.” Or so it seems. Though it wasn’t put as words but as a lack of drive and inner commitment. Motivation seemed to drain away like electricity from a earth-leaking car battery. Recharge after recharge by way of motivational book or inspirational speech could do nothing, it seemed.
Now, I reluctantly, almost unwillingly bend to the urgings of Higher Self. The ego versus the true self (little ‘s’) and the battle is still being fought. ‘ Toss out goals…’
Is it wrong to want to serve as a famous public speaker and presenter? Should I completely surrender and say, God, take me as I am and do with me what you will’? (With me, little self- or is it ego-self hanging out for a promotion to earthly grandeur as well as spiritual bliss)
In my mind I have already said this: ‘Do with me what You will.’ But there has been no joyous giving on my (little self’s) part. It has been grudgingly given; a surrender rather than a joyful embrace of The Divine. My Higher Self knows it. Indeed, so does my little self.
Yes, there is a crisis taking place here. And right now. It isn’t one of agony, of soul-searching and decision. Or I don’t think it is. But this essay and the clarifying of my thought by an honest presentation of how I feel is having its effect- whatever that might be.
You see, Higher Self. I don’t seem to know what I am about any more.
When I first wrote what I thought was a wonderful affirmation: I am a great public speaker, interesting, moving, and above all, effective, and I use this great gift to relieve suffering and promote joy to the people of the earth.
I thought that this was exactly what was right for me. Over and over I re-enforced those words in one way or another until they became my Life’s Obsession. (Hoping, too, that they were also my Life’s Holy Mission- my True Purpose) For, they did come from my heart. Or, at least as near to my honest longings as I could get in words.
The penny has just dropped. I am afraid of surrender because I feel I will become a non-entity; a nobody, and it is importance and approval I seek. I am frightened of oblivion of the ego. This is an ego thing. The ego is hanging on by a thread here, desperate.
I hereby totally surrender to the Light of God.
How difficult it has really been for little self- or is it ego-driven self- to make that statement. I make it here, now, once again.
I hereby totally surrender to the Light of God. Let us see what happens now.
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